Start Being Your Best » Psychology

The Need for Community

Jason — Sun, 25 Jul 2010 16:20:12 +0000

Let me confess this up front: I’m not really what most would call a “people person”. I know I’ve mentioned it before here, but I’m somewhat slow to meet people, even when those people come into my turf (like my workplace, or church). I just have a tough time thinking of ways to get conversations started, and I dread the awkward pauses that are sure to come fairly quickly after we start talking.

But, here’s the thing: even people like me need others around us. I’d prefer that they left me alone most of the time, sure, but I do enjoy having others around me, just for the sense of them being there.

We humans are social creatures. We’re made for living together in groups. Some of us like groups that are bigger (like New Yorkers), and some would prefer smaller communities (like those of us who wouldn’t live in New York if you paid us). But, we all need people around us. It’s an innate drive that we can’t overcome no matter how hard we try.

This need for community stems from the fact that we’re not good at everything we need to be good at in order to survive. We’re specialists to some extent. We are supported by, and in turn support, others. Where our talents end, other’s talents begin (and vice versa). We each have something to contribute.

But this is more than just some vague, general understanding that, “Yeah, I can’t milk cows, so I’m glad that the grocery store has 2% in their refrigerated cases”. Beyond the understanding of specialization within a society, there’s actual community. There are groups of people (we call them “family” and “friends”) who support you when you need help, celebrate with you when something goes well, and generally just make life more pleasant when they’re around.

We rely on these people to greater or lesser extents every day, depending on the situation, our psyche, and what random circumstance brings up. But, not a day goes by when we can do it on our own. We always need someone else’s contribution to our lives, no matter how much we pride ourselves on self-reliance. It’s possible that we can make it on our own, but it’s certainly not possible that we can make it the best way on our own. We need each other.

I say all this for this reason: I know that I personally get frustrated with the people around me, even the ones that care about me the most. I struggle with my attitude, calling people “jerks” and “idiots” in my head or behind their backs, even if not always to their faces.

I need to learn to have more patience with others, as I know they have to have patience with me. I need to make allowances for people to act the way they’re going to act, even when it frustrates me. Because, from the very same mind that causes those annoyances also generates the actions that make my life worth living.

Focus on the good in people, and learn to cut them a little slack. You’ll probably find that they begin to cut you some, as well. And goodness knows, you probably need more slack than they do.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Why Doing What’s Hard Is Worth Your Time

Jason — Wed, 24 Feb 2010 12:00:06 +0000

Ed. Note – If you want to really understand what I’m talking about in this post, I’d recommend that you read this one first.

If the point of life is to tell a good story, then we’re going to need some conflict. Most people would say that they have enough conflict in their daily lives just by fighting traffic, fighting with customers, or fighting with their spouse. But is this really what we mean by “conflict”?

I don’t think so. These kinds of conflict don’t lead toward anything positive. There’s meaningless struggle, and then there’s meaningful struggle. The former just makes you tired. The latter makes you stronger.

How can we tell the difference? Why is it that some people struggle for 10, 20, 30 years climbing the corporate ladder only to discover that the conflicts they faced every day weren’t really important? A lot of this has to do with what I wrote about previously in my Life Design series of articles, especially the ones related to getting a vision for your life. If whatever struggle you’re involved in doesn’t get you closer to attaining your vision, then it’s ultimately going to be meaningless.

Much great literature throughout history has been written as a riff on the Hero’s Journey. The protagonist of the story (the “Hero”) is met with a call to action very quickly. The call is typically refused, and it’s only through great reluctance that the journey is finally undertaken. Why? Because something occurs to force the character to do what it needs to do. It’s the “incitement” that puts a boot in their butt to get them out the door.

The problem in our culture is that we are rarely incited to do anything. Simply having a desire to live a good story isn’t enough. Humans are creatures of habit, and we shun uncomfortable circumstances. We will do ANYTHING to avoid breaking out of our routine or our comfort zone. There are very few people who will leave a comfortable position (job, location, relationship, whatever) for an unknown simply because they’re curious. Sure, they’re out there, but they’re a rare breed.

We’d rather tolerate a crummy position at work where we’re underpaid and under-appreciated than make an effort to do something else. We’d certainly rather do that than just quit our jobs with no safety net to find out what it is we’d rather do. I’ve personally stayed in a relationship in the past that I KNEW wasn’t going anywhere, and was probably detrimental to my emotional well-being, simply because I was used to it and I didn’t want to be alone. That’s. Just. Stupid.

And yet, people do it all the time.

The success stories that you hear of people finding the right partner or the right career or what have you almost always seem to start with, “So, I had just been laid off” or “One morning, my girlfriend called and said ‘We need to talk,’”. It’s only when the option to stand still has been taken away do people find the nerve to move forward.

Simply because there’s no other choice.

Telling a good story with your life is HARD. It’s going to be scary at times, because it will require you to get out of where you’re comfortable and make a leap of faith. You’ll go through fits and starts of kinda sorta wanting to do something, but never really going all-out because you’re unwilling to be committed to it 100%.

How do we get those incitements? Do we need to wait for them to occur organically in our lives, or can they be manufactured? I think we can cause them to happen, but it requires us to make a pact.

A pact with ourselves.

We’ve become so conditioned to not making an effort that we begin to forget how to really care about what it is that we do. We aren’t in the habit of promising anyone anything for fear of not being able to follow through. ”I’ll do my best” has taken the place of “I’ll get it done”. Our word ceases to be worth anything to anyone, especially ourselves.

In order to win, in order to make a change in your story, you need to first commit to YOURSELF that you will do whatever it takes to make the change. If you can’t make a promise to yourself and know that you’ll keep it, no matter what, then who can you trust? If you’re going to punk out on promises you make to yourself, then you’ve got bigger problems than simply not telling a good story.

Photo “Determination” courtesy: Randy Son of Robert

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Personality Typing – Judging vs Perceiving

Jason — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 20:35:03 +0000

So, we’re on to the final dichotomy within the Myers-Briggs type sorter: judging versus perceiving. This is, essentially, how one chooses to act within their daily activities.

Judgers prefer to have matters settled. They like order, plans and to-do lists. They struggle with ambiguity and like to understand all the options before they embark on a project. Above all, they value predictability. I happen to be one of these types.

Perceivers, on the other hand, like ambiguity. Many of the people that you would call “free spirits” are perceivers. They go with the flow, and like to have many options. They struggle with lists and would rather not be locked into a particular decision. This preference can cause issues with J’s, who tend to get a little panicky when confronted with so much ambiguity in a process.

Throughout this series, I’ve been trying to offer ways that one can “style switch”, or attempt to walk a mile in someone else’s shoes, so to speak. This one is no different. Think of a particular project you’re going to begin, or have recently begun, and try some of the following steps.

If you’re a perceiver, try to work on a specific project from the point of view of a “J”. Work in a systematic fashion, itemize the tasks that need to occur and work through them in an orderly manner. Notice how much easier is to complete a project if you can think it all through from beginning to end at one time, and move methodically through a process.

Conversely, if you’re a “J”, try working as a “P” for one project. You can still have a plan (we J’s get a little bit worried with a total lack of planning), but don’t be a slave to it. Once you begin working through your project, take a moment to pause and see if any new methods of achieving your goals present themselves due to what has happened thus far. P’s do this type of observation automatically, but we J’s need to make a conscious effort to do it.

If you’re a P, you need to make sure that you’re not spending more time than is necessary accomplishing tasks, simply due to your not having thought through the process fully. If you find yourself working and needing to back up in the process due to forgetting to accomplish a contingent task, you may need to take a good look at your work style.

J’s need to watch out for ruts. It’s helpful to ask a “P” friend to take a look at whatever you’re trying to accomplish and see if you’ve missed anything that could improve your results. It’s difficult to see the forest for the trees sometimes when you’re a “J”, and you don’t want to miss any opportunities if you can avoid it.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Personality Typing – Thinking vs Feeling

Jason — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 12:00:59 +0000

Whereas in the last group (intuition vs sensing), we discovered how people take in and interpret information from their surroundings, in this dichotomy we begin to understand how we make decisions based on that information.

Thinkers want their decision to be based solely on the facts, with no interference from emotions. For instance, in a position of authority in a business organization, thinkers will have much less difficulty making reductions to staffing and resources if it can be shown that the decision makes economic or strategic sense.

Feelers, on the other hand, will struggle with a similar decision, often to the point of not making the necessary reductions and hurting the business’ bottom line, all because the feeler doesn’t want to hurt people’s feelings.

As with the other two continuums that we’ve already discussed, there are very few people who are totally at one end of the scale or the other. It’s merely a matter of toward which end you lean. Likewise, different situations or topics may cause you to lean more one way or the other than what you would normally.

As far as examples of how one would “style switch”, or attempt to work on an issue from their non-preferred end of the spectrum, I think that this dichotomy may be the hardest of the four in which to attempt to do that. Because emotions are such powerful influences, people who have developed a tendency to ignore them have built up massive defenses to them. Likewise, those who are used to listening to them may find it very hard to tune them out.

Your best bet is to simply be able to identify a person who has the opposite tendency that you have and ask them how they would make a decision on the situation you are facing. You may not be able to truly internalize this decision, but at least you will know what the other side thinks of it.

Perhaps, if a “thinker” gives you a rational decision that strains against your normal “feeler” tendencies, you can look for aspects of the decision that can be implemented while still maintaining a decision you can live with.

Likewise, thinkers should look for ways to incorporate feeler tendencies, especially in situations where tough decisions are going to be made and feelings hurt. The same end result can be accomplished, while also being sensitive to other’s feelings. As Mary Poppins said, “A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down”.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Personality Typing – Sensing vs Intuitive

Jason — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 12:00:31 +0000

The next dichotomy we’ll be looking at in our series on personality typing is the sensing versus intuition continuum. What we’re dealing with here, in a nutshell, is determining how an individual prefers to gather and interpret information.

Folks who prefer intuition like theories and abstractions, like information that can be associated with other information to form patterns. They rely on their gut feeling more, because they know that the subconscious makes associations between seemingly disparate information that they may not be aware of. These folks tend to be big picture thinkers, who either can’t or won’t focus on details.

Sensors, on the other hand, prefer to gather facts that are tangible and demonstrative, that can be understood with the five senses. They mistrust intuition, or at least wish to have hunches backed up by data and fact. In contrast to intuitives, these people are very detail-oriented and are definitely the ones you want doing your taxes or putting together your seat belt in the car assembly plant.

So, now that we know that, how can we all learn to get along? What can someone with a preference for sensing do to try to pass themselves off as an intuitive?

The key is to be willing to make a decision based on your gut. Learn to be comfortable when an intuitive says that they did something because they felt like it was the right thing to do. It may be difficult or impossible for an intuitive to explain what the process was that they used to arrive at a decision, because it often just appears.

However, if you’re willing to invest the time, you can discuss the issue with them, trying to cover conceivably related issues, times where this may have happened before, etc. in order to come to a round-about understanding of what went on below the surface.

Conversely, how does an intuitve learn to speak “sensing”?

Make yourself stop and look at the data. Ask a sensor why they made the decision that they made, and what the process was that they went through in order to arrive at that conclusion. Learn that it’s okay to gather information to support a decision, and many times it’s better to gather more information than you think you need.

Like everything else in life, there are positives and negatives of either method. If you’re an intuitive, what do you need to beware of?

Your biggest challenge (and I’m talking to myself here, as an intuitive) is running off half-cocked, or making snap decisions based on a feeling. Although an intuitive decision can be right, they’re not always right. A key phrase to remember is “Don’t trust your gut unless you have to”.

Sensors, on the other hand, need to be aware of analysis paralysis. Death by data occurs when you prolong gathering of information in order to not make a decision at all. If you have fear of a situation, a natural tendency is to keep looking and looking for more data in the hopes that the situation will sort itself out.

This rarely happens. If your data becomes repetitive, that means that it’s time to make a decision. Right or wrong, learn to live with it.

Again, as in everything else in life, the key is moderation. A tendency one way or the other is natural, but you should always incorporate some of the other style into your decision making process. I think most everyone does this anyway, but some of us (especially when stressed) tend to become more extreme in our tendencies. It’s important to keep this in mind when things get tense, since these situations are typically the ones where we can least afford to make a decision without utilizing all the data available to us.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Personality Typing – Introvert vs Extravert

Jason — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 12:00:15 +0000

This is the first in a series of four articles that will give a quick run-down of the distinctions between the Myers-Briggs type dimensions. Today we’ll be looking at the difference between introverts and extraverts. As you may have guessed by some comments I’ve made previously on this blog, I’m fairly heavily in the “introvert” camp on this dimension.

At the risk of generalizing too much, extraverts like to act, and introverts like to think. Extraverts will often act, and then consider the results of that action in order to determine what they should do next. Introverts, on the other hand, will think first, and then act.

As I mentioned before, extraverts are not necessarily extroverted. However, in practice, I’ve found that they usually are. Extraverts seem to enjoy meeting new people and having a breadth of new experiences. Introverts, on the other had, due to their tendency to think through everything, aren’t nearly as outgoing. They may be just as friendly, but they don’t often come off that way.

Either one of these traits can be good or bad, depending on how the trait is expressed. For instance, an extravert and their “Ready, Fire, Aim” approach can get into trouble if they act too hastily in a given circumstance. However, because they are willing to act without considering every last option to the nth degree, they can often jump on opportunities that introverts may miss due to their unwillingness to act without substantial amounts of time invested in consideration. From my seat as an introvert, I see the extravert strategy as best exemplified by the statement “Go Big or Go Home”. You may achieve great successes this way, but you also open yourself up to failures, as well.

As I mentioned in the prior article in this series, regardless of what your personal preference is, it’s helpful to be able to “speak the language” or the other type. Not only can you understand other people better that way, you may get some practice in co-opting some of the good characteristics of the other type.

So, if you’re an extravert:

Slow down. Take time to make a conscious decision once in a while. Don’t always wait to see the results of your actions; make an effort to think about what may happen in the first place. You’re really not going to miss much if you take a little bit of time.

If you’re an introvert:

Come out of your shell. I personally have this problem. I experience anxiety when meeting new people. So, I tend to let them make the first move, or remove myself from the situation before that ever comes up. If I’m really honest about it, it makes me seem aloof and cold (at best) I have to make a consicious effort to be more outgoing than I normally would be. It will not kill you to stick out your hand and initiate a conversation with someone you don’t know. If you don’t know how to do that, take a look at my previous post on people skills, or just go read “How to Win Friends and Influence People”.

For everyone, there is one over-arching theme to understand the other style (and this applies to all four of the dichotomies, not just I vs E): don’t operate from an assumption that the way you do things is best. Introverts, don’t assume that an extravert is automatically superficial simply because he or she enjoys meeting a bunch of new people. Likewise, extraverts, don’t think we introverts are jerks who think we’re better than everyone else. We’re just trying to decide what to say before we say it.

What other ways can you think of making yourself better able to understand the other group? Let us know in the comments…

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Introduction to Personality Typing

Jason — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 12:00:28 +0000

I’ve always been fascinated with psychology. The human mind is an amazing entity that no one truly understands. I don’t even know why I do the things I do sometimes, so it’s no surprise to me that there are plenty of mysteries still left to discover about how we think, what we feel, and why we act the way we do in certain situations.

One of the tools I was familiarized with in college that has given me great insight into how I view the world, interact with other people, and why I prefer certain situations over others is the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI for short). Wikipedia has a great write-up on this topic if you’ve got quite a bit of time to kill. If you’ve heard of it but never taken the test, feel free to hop on over here for a 70 question form that shouldn’t take too long to fill out.

Essentially, the MBTI evaluates your personal preferences in four different categories along a sliding scale:

1. Extraversion/Introversion: This dimension is often refered to as one’s “attitude”. It’s how you relate to the world around you. If you tend to draw energy from action, and understand more external expressions of behavior, people, and things, you’re most likely an extravert. Conversely, if you’re more drawn to the world of ideas and reflection, you’re probably an introvert.

Note that it DOES NOT NECESSARILY FOLLOW that you have an extroverted (loud, boisterous, life-of-the party) personality if you are classified an extravert, and vice-versa. One usually follows the other, but not always.

2. Sensing/Intuition: These two paradigms exemplify how you prefer to gather information about the world around you. A preference for Sensing means that a person prefers to glean understanding from things that are concrete, in the here and now, and can be understood with one or more of the five senses. Intuitives, on the other hand, trust data that is more abstract and theoretical, that just seems to “make sense” without necessarily being backed up by easily demonstrable evidence These are the people that “follow their guts” and trust to hunches more often than not.

3. Thinking/Feeling: These traits quantify how we tend to make decisions. Once you’ve perceived information information in the prior dichotomy, you need to make a decision based on that information. Thinkers are more hands-off (some would say detached, remote, or even cold) and prefer to make decisions based solely on the facts of the situation, removing feelings entirely. Feelers, on the other hand, are just the opposite. How they feel about a situation has great baring on the decision that’s made, perhaps even to the point of outweighing the facts.

Basically, this boils down to weather you’re a softie or a hardcase.

4. Judgment/Perception: I’ll be honest: I get what these types are, but the names have never made sense to me. Those with a “judgment” bias tend to be structured, enjoy routine, and want all their ducks in a row. A “perception” bias means a person loves surprises, are willing to go with the flow, and are very flexible in their lives.

The MBTI asks a series of questions and finds out, based on your answers, where on the spectrum between the two extremes you are for each of the four groups. There are rarely people who score to one extreme or the other, and even if they do, no one really functions as (for instance) 100% introverted or extraverted.

So, why is this important to personal development and leadership? Well, two reasons that I can see.

First, if you understand your own personality type, you’ll begin to understand why some situations make you uneasy, while others cause you to feel right at home. You can engineer your surroundings and work to your strengths in order to give yourself the best chance to succeed in whatever you happen to be attempting.

For example, let’s say that you have a preference for judgment. You’re going to have difficulty work for/with individuals who tend to fly by the seat of their pants. You’re either going to need to re-evaluate who you work with, or make quite a few allowances for their tendencies.

This segues right into the second benefit. If you understand the tendencies of those around you, you can begin to better understand why it is they do the things they do. You can make allowances for their actions, and begin to use some “style switching” in order to better communicate with them.

Think of it this way: someone with an opposite preference from you is essentially speaking a different language. In order to communicate, you can either point and grunt a lot, get frustrated and have a 50/50 shot of actually getting something accomplished. Or, you can go about learning how they communicate and work on speaking to them in ways they understand. It’s more work on your part, but the results are almost surely better than what you’d achieve otherwise.

Over the next couple of weeks, I’m going to look at each of the four pairings a little bit more closely, and throw out some thoughts on how you can work on your style switching. So, if you’re not too familiar with the test and want to follow along with what we’ll be talking about, hit the link above before next Monday.

Any thoughts/prior experiences with MBTI, or other personality tools in general? I know that they’re certainly not a panacea, so if you’ve got any other thoughts about how to learn more about yourself, feel free to leave them in the comments…

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.